I saw an old friend last weekend (name and info changed.) Mary is a social worker, a few years older than I, smart and witty, quietly kind, with dark hair and deep brown eyes. Like me, she is no longer young. We worked together decades ago at an inner-city hospital, and I hadn’t seen her in years.
Mary and her husband split up recently and she hasn’t dated since. She is a quiet woman, and it is harder to meet people as the years go by. I asked her, “Would you consider a dating app? I have heard about apps for older people that you could try.”
In a flash, Mary took out her phone and began on-boarding to the site. She read the questions aloud to me. “How would you react if asked to change a behavior by your date?” “What is your ideal first date?” “Which picture appeals to you the most?” The questions were voluminous, but she completed the application, and she was in.
A few hours later, Mary checked the app. “I have seven responses!” Eagerly, she began checking out the candidates, their photos lined up, one smiling older man after the next.
“No.”
“Not him.”
“No way.” Mary kept scrolling.
I gazed at her. “But you haven’t read their profiles. You have no idea what they are like.”
“This one looks nice,” she pointed to a handsomer face. “And this one is OK.”
“Mary, what about what they wrote? You haven’t looked to see if they are educated, or close to their family, like you are.” She seemed to not hear me.
Several times during the evening, my friend received more responses from interested men. Each time, their photo determined her level of interest.
At the end of the evening, I tried again, “Please look at what the men wrote to you. See what kind of people they are. That is so much more important.” Mary smiled at me but didn’t’ seem to hear.
Finally, I sighed, ready to share my vulnerability. “Hey, if I were on a dating app, men would swipe right past my face. They would see my scars and keep scrolling. But if they read what I’d write, they might think that I’m well-educated, ethical, funny, and successful. But they won’t see any of that in my photo. They would have to read what I wrote to know that I’m a catch. Even you, Mary, do you want to be judged just on this alone?” My fingers traced a box in the air, framing her sweet, wrinkled, and no longer youthful face.
Mary looked thoughtful. “No, I wouldn’t,” she responded more carefully.
“Right. Promise me you will judge these potential dates by more than a photo.”
***
What makes a good relationship? Are we happily married because our husbands have cute faces?
Not at all. As a therapist, I hear many sad tales from clients feeling isolated, uncared for, and betrayed. “We have nothing in common,” bemoans one client. Another confides, “I think he lies to me.” Another recounts the hateful words lobbed at her during arguments.
You know what NEVER happens? My clients never say, “Oh but it doesn’t matter because he is so handsome.” In the long run, a partner’s appearance matters less and less, and a partner’s character becomes the entire story. The pleasure of an attractive face is an asset which is guaranteed to rapidly diminish. Beauty will always fade, quickly and irrevocably. Character can grow and blossom.
How much do looks matter when dating? How much should they? Attraction is the glue of romantic relationships, heating the air when one’s beloved enters the room. Falling in love is like a beautiful drug, sending our hearts over the Niagara Falls, keeping us fixated on our crush every hour of every day. Attraction is necessary, thrilling, and crucial.
Here’s the thing: attraction is relative. I have profoundly loved men who were tall and lean, men with high cheek bones and striking blue eyes. But the first man I truly loved had none of these. He was exactly one inch taller than me, and I am 5’3”. He was a little chubby with questionable hygiene. There was little objectively attractive about this man but I adored him. I adored the way he thought, his intensity, his playful humor, and our shared history. I would have done anything for him.
Like anyone, I notice a person’s face and figure the first moment I meet them. But within seconds, I focus on their eyes, their smile, their handshake, and their energy. Are they kind? Are they funny? Are they intelligent? Are they genuine? These qualities instantly override an attractive face. Within minutes, a homely person can become irresistible, and a handsome but cruel person can be repulsive.
Imagine what the men on Mary’s dating site might have written. The one with bad hair might be a retired physician who volunteers tirelessly for Doctors Without Borders. He might be a Mensa member, enjoy gardening, and rescuing dogs. He might have won a Nobel Prize and own four mansions. He might have been her soul mate.
The man with the handsome face might be unemployed, recovering from his 4th divorce, estranged from his children, and living in his elderly mother’s basement.
So why, why, why do we swipe left or right, as if that is the sole variable? I promise you that a homely person can shine like a Greek god, when their eyes sparkle with warmth and care. I equally promise you that you won’t care how attractive a man is when he is gaslighting you.
As a burned person, and an activist, I spend a lot of time with others with visible difference. I have burned friends, friends with eye differences, friends with skin issues, and so on. Generally speaking, these are kind people with depth. Having suffered, most of us are sensitive to people’s pain, and cheerful in the face of adversity. It is hard to face the world looking different, and people who do so often develop strong social skills and a sense of humor. Most of us, having suffered, are kind-hearted towards others’ misfortunes. These qualities: emotional depth, sensitivity, pluck, social adroitness, and humor, all of these qualities make for a fine companion in life. Often, people who lack the ease of natural beauty develop far richer qualities, depth and sensitivity which will only grow over decades.
Try swiping right.
Lise Deguire's multiple award-winning memoir, Flashback Girl: Lessons on Resilience from a Burn Survivor, is available for purchase on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Newtown Book Shop and The Commonplace Reader. Check out her TEDx talk "Scarred Not Scary"
Dr Lise!!! Thank you for this beautiful guide. Yup that's what I'm calling it a guide! Being shallow for a pretty face can be fun for a very very limited time. I have a dear friend that's dating a guy because she likes his Scottish accent. He treats her terrible! He cancels at the last minute. he wont come to her house because he hates dogs. (Thats a red flag). Recently, she asked another man about a tatoo he had and she was called a "Barfly". He will not introduce her to his son because...well we don't know why? These shallow attractions can lead to miserable existence. She is very pretty and even wealthy but she is so used t…
I host a monthly salon called The Curiosity Grotto during which a group of friends discusses ideas and concepts without trying to convince others to agree with us but rather to better understand what each of us thinks and why. One theme presented to the grotto by a recently divorced woman was Attraction: What draws us to other people? It was a lively discussion that touched on biochemistry, the primacy of the visual sense, the appeal of the familiar, the influence of "the ticking clock," the ways aging revises what we are atrracted to...among other things. It was a revealing discussion of a fascinating topic.